Q & A: Why Won't My Kids Go to Sleep and Stay Asleep?

We have been having sleep issues galore, with both kids, for about a month now.  We have struggled to find solutions to these myriad of issues and every solution we have tried, so far, seemingly has not created any lasting change.

Ironically however, as I type, both kids seem to be throwing me for a loop and taking a marathon of naps. (You wouldn't believe what I have accomplished. Ok. Maybe you would.)  This is longer than they have napped in weeks.  Go figure. 

So back to the problem at hand.  I do what any rational yet exhausted parent would do. I bring in a sleep consultant.  Luckily, my own personal sleep consultant is also my co-blogger.  Very convenient for me. Yeah, she's not a real sleep consultant, but somehow she gets this sleep thing and has helped me, along with several other moms, improve their kiddos' sleep habits.

The result of staying up past bedtime?
You fall asleep in your lunch.

Here we go - I hit her with some of my finest questions. Go at it, my friend:

Sarah, let's talk about my 3 year old, CJ, first.  When we put him to bed at night, he is keeping himself awake for 60-90 minutes before falling asleep.  He's not being quiet about it either or staying in his room.  And, he's wide awake at 5:30 am.  This is not enough sleep. What can we do to help him fall asleep faster? 

Kids like to be involved in their own lives, especially CJ! I see a few things working a little better with him:

1.  Talk to him and tell him what your expectations are of him. Tell him why it's important that he get sleep and that you would like him to tell you what he needs to be a better sleeper.  You might be surprised what he comes up with.

2.  It might be time for a "sleep buddy."  The more special you can make this experience, the better it will be. On a weekend, when Daddy is home, either Mommy or Daddy bring him to the store - just him - to pick out his sleep buddy.  Ideally, it would be something soft and plushy, but hey, beggars can't be choosers.  Explain to him that his buddy is going to help him sleep.  Once said sleep buddy has been purchased and treated like royalty, it stays on the bed. It's for sleeping. It also means that CJ gets to see it whenever it's time for sleep. And, he begins to believe that sleep buddy will help him sleep better.

2.  Allow him to make as many choices as possible when it comes to bed time. Again, he likes to feel like he's "in charge," so let him - where appropriate. The red jammies or the blue jammies? Brush teeth before books or after? How many books (within reason)? Give him choices at every opportunity. Of course, you create the choices, he just gets to pick one of them.

How can we get him to stay in his room once we put him to bed?

Try a baby gate. At this point in his life, he may be developing fears to being alone in his dark room. Respect those fears by installing a baby gate that attaches with hardware to the door frame (he's clever - a tension one might not keep him!) This way, he is contained, he can hear you and he knows he's not alone. But, he also knows it's bedtime and that he needs to stay in his room.

And then there's that early wake-up time.  If he wakes up before six in the morning, we want him to stay in his room quietly until we come get him, but he is refusing this as well.  How can we help him to understand this?

Put a clock in his room.  Yeah, I know he can't tell time (yet), but it will help what you're saying to make more sense to him.  You could do something as simple as a large numbered digital clock or something like this one here. Then, take a small index card and write in marker the time that you would like for him to wake up (or at least wake you up). Tape it above the clock so he can begin to learn when the appropriate time to wake Mommy and Daddy is.  If he wakes before that, he gets to play quietly in his room as Mommy needs sleep, too.

Moving on to my youngest, 18 month old EM.  She sleeps great at night- thanks to you!  But, when I put her down for her nap lately, she is only sleeping around 60-90 minutes total.  I have tried keeping her in her crib anyway for the entire nap time but she does not fall back asleep. And, then is a cranky mess by five o'clock.  She needs to nap longer but I do not know how to get her to do that.  Please help!

First, let's talk about the length of her nap.  Most kids her age will nap anywhere from 1 1/2 hours to 3 hours. So, the 90 minute nap is not as concerning as the 60 minute nap. However, if she is still cranky after a 90 minute nap, then she may absolutely need a bit longer.

My suggestion is to put her down for her nap earlier than you are now. Start with 30 minutes. See how that works. Example, my girl naps her best at 11am - completely contrary to the 12:30pm we had been doing for ages. We discovered this while on vacation, when at 10:30am she started to crumble. We continued the 11am nap even once we got home and it's worked phenomenally. So, disregard your preconceived notions about the nap is meant to be after lunch and put her down even earlier.

CJ is also having trouble falling asleep at his nap time.  We have tried keeping him up longer but he is still taking at least 60 minutes to fall asleep.  He definitely still needs a nap, however, because when he misses or refuses nap, he ends up asleep on the couch by four o'clock.  How can we get him comfortable to fall asleep for his nap?

As we talked above, CJ really needs to have his own independence when it comes to his daily routine. So, here are a few thoughts I have regarding his napping:

1. Involve him. We talked about this above. It's as easy as "CJ, we're going to take a nap soon. Would you like to go up now or would you like to go up in five minutes?" Of course, you know what he's going to say, but it gets him prepared and gives him autonomy over his own napping destiny.

2. I am inclined to think that an earlier nap time for him might help as well, especially considering his recent wake time of 5:30am. He's only 3 1/2, so it might not hurt to move up his nap time, along with E's.

3. Settle for a "rest time." Again, involve him in this decision. "It's OK if you don't sleep, but you will need to stay in your room during this time." Chances are, when given the choice, he will fall asleep, especially because that's his own choice.

From Sarah:
Although sleep issues effect the entire family, it doesn't have to be an episode of the Walking Dead every day. So much of kids and sleep relies on the gut instinct of their parents. Do what works for you and your family. Modify the suggestions to better suit your daily needs. Good luck, happy sleeping, and be sure to report back!!

My Son and Sleep, the Sequel

Good news!  After nearly four months of alternating between sleeping under his table and sleeping in a tent, my son CJ, appears to have finally transitioned back to his bed for sleeping. 

This is pretty huge considering that he has not even desired to stick a toe near that bed since early April.  Since then we have found him sleeping not just under the table or in his tent but even in the middle of his floor and completely comfortable, so he claims.

In the middle of his room and sound asleep.

Now, the reason he has given us for this move is kind of surprising: the tent is just too hot for sleeping. 

No kidding kid, its only 100 degrees outside at night where we live right now.  (Why I'm ready for winter here.)  It gets a tad stuffy in the house at times. 

So...great, our problems are solved, life as we know it is now perfect, right?! Yeah.  Not so much.  In the week since he has moved back to his bed, we have now developed new issues that are interfering with the parents getting some sleep. 

The latest in this saga is that although we are now sleeping in our bed, we are taking at minimum 60 minutes, usually more like 90 minutes, to fall asleep. And that is with bedtime pushed back until about 8:30 p.m.  Seriously, the kid is going to sleep when I am and still wide awake at 6 a.m. or sooner.  How is this possible?  In related news, I know two people who could use even 5 minutes alone without a kid awake.

CJ is also now refusing to sleep with the door closed.  Which means it must stay wide open all night (we tried closing it when we went to bed and a few nights of him screaming at 3 am rid us of that habit).  Which means any noise husband and I make after he goes to sleep travels right to him.  So now we've taken to whispering and tip-toeing.

CJ is using this door stays open thing as an excuse to wander around the upstairs, peruse the bookshelf in the hallway for some light bedtime reading, take another 4 trips to the potty, and sit at the top of the stairs to sneakily quietly listen to mommy and daddy.  That one backfired big time last night when husband asked me if I wanted some ice cream and all of a sudden there was crying and whining from the stairs that he wanted some ice cream too.  PLEASE, MOMMY, PLEASE!! Who knew he was even out of bed!!  Not us, that's for sure.

The only threat that seems to be working even mildly is that we will shut the door if he leaves the room, makes noise, doesn't go to sleep, etc. Then when we follow through, he is in hysterics, of course, and requires additional comforting. ("Mommy, will you lay with me?") It's a no-win situation here!

Will the sleep issues ever end?  I am beginning to realize that we may not get the kind of sleep we desire until these kiddos leave for college.  And, if I remember my own college life correctly, maybe not even then.

18-Month Sleep Regression: Also Known as Torture

I gotta tell you: even as the (blogging partner-designated) sleep expert, this one has me thrown all out of whack.

She's 19 month old, for heaven's sake.  I thought we had this sleep thing nailed. Didn't we? Not according to her, we didn't.  About five weeks ago (Seriously. How am I still functioning?) AK designated between 4:30 and 5:15am as the new wake-up time.

How did someone who is so focused on good sleep for her child let this one get away from her? It just happened. We've done some travelling, AK has been (mildly) sick a few times, she started a new preschool, we might be working on some teeth...and suddenly it is five weeks later and I can barely stand upright.

Sleep regressions are common - most babies and/or toddlers experience at least one of them. And, there are several main ones: 3 to 4 months, 8 to 10 months, 12 months and 18 months. They often coincide with a developmental milestone: rolling over, crawling, walking, talking, etc. and can last anywhere from two to six weeks. All of the studies and blogs I have read all give me the same message: "It's a phase. Let it pass." Way easier said than done. And, I hate all of those studies.

I basically have two options here: (said in mocking tone) "It's a phase. Let it pass." or deal with it head on. What if it's not a phase? What if she's asserting her new-found independence and she wants to hand one to me - at 5am? No, thank you, sweet girl. No, thank you.

We decided to tackle this apparent sleep regression head-on and send our little girl back to sleep orientation.

Therefore, each morning at her crack-of-dawn waking, Daddy (ha ha, Daddy!) went into her room and told her it was still night-night time. Why Daddy? Because Mommy is the best person ever (apparently) to see in the morning and there's no hope of going back to sleep after Mommy comes in.

About three mornings this happened. I confess: there were some tears. But, nothing that sent me into the fetal position over what a bad mother I was. Her designated wake-up time was 6:30am. At that time, I went in - full of sunshine, puppy dogs and ice cream to 'rouse' her. Did it work?

Kinda. But, then I did something else. I moved her bedtime up 15 minutes.

Bingo. Done.

See, a child of AK's age needs about 11 hours of sleep at night. For some reason, a 7:30pm bedtime was just too late. When kids get over-tired (yes, even by 15 minutes), it becomes more difficult for them to sleep as they should.

So, problem solved? For the most part, yes. This morning, she woke at 5:15am, Daddy did his song and dance, she squawked a bit and then happily joined the land of the awake at 7:15am. I am praying for sleep, not necessarily consistency here, people.

She's a toddler let's remember. She's gaining a seeming million new words each day. She's gone from walking to running. She started a new school. Her life is constantly shifting. And, I am going to do my best to give her one of the greatest gifts I can, even through all of this: sleep.

In return, I would appreciate the same, my darling daughter. Please and thank you.

You Say You Want Sleep, But Are You Really Ready?

Apparently, sleep is even more of a commodity than I once thought.  Since doing this blog, I have been approached by several women - both in my personal world and in my media world - asking for advice. Because I believe so much in the power of sleep - both for Mom and for baby - I enthusiastically have helped many of these women put together personalized sleep plans for their babies or toddlers.  I have researched their parenting philosophies, asked a lot of questions and then put my ideas into a plan just for them.

The majority of them did not execute the plan.

Here's what I have learned: as a parent, you absolutely, definitively must be READY to sleep train. I don't mean that you must be ready to listen to your child scream and wail for hours.  (Are you ever really ready for that?  I'm not and she didn't).  In fact, Tracy's youngest was likely the hardest to train with the most (comparatively speaking) tears.  However, even she will tell you that it was completely manageable and WELL worth every single little tear - shed both by Mom and baby.

When AK was about six months old, I decided that I would start sleep training.  I read a book, the title of which I don't even recall - it wasn't my tried and true Sleepeasy Solution which I still think is the best one out there. Regardless, I told husband that I was going to start sleep training and I think he might have pulled out the balloons and streamers right then - he was so happy.  I pretended to read through a book and thought I knew what to do.  Listen, sleep training is not all that difficult, but it does take some preparation. And willingness.

At the end of the day, or...maybe the end of the next two months, I was still a zombie, the baby was still waking every few hours and Tracy said to me "why do I feel like you are living out Groundhog Day? You just keep doing this "sleep training" but you're not getting anywhere."  Thanks, Trace, for your honesty.  It also was just what I needed to realize that I had not been truly ready to teach my baby to sleep.  I was scared.  I was nervous and I wasn't ready.  So, I kept failing at it. For one reason or another.  It wasn't because I was a failure, it was because I just wasn't quite ready to give up that special time that I had with her each night.  Even though I could barely function, a part of me liked things just the way they were.

I don't, for one minute, blame these women who have asked for my help and then let it lay to the side. I understand.  I have been there - for two months I was there. I would "try" for one night and then decide the next night not to "try." At the end of the day - and night - that got us nowhere except exactly where we were. Until we were really ready.

Here's what sleep training is not:

• It is not throwing your kid in his room and listening to him scream for two hours.
• It is not neglecting your child.  At six months of age, babies can go the majority, if not all, of the night, without eating.  Truth be told, I waited until 8 1/2 months. It just felt better for me.
• It is not selfish.  I repeat: it is not selfish. It is one of the most kind and caring things you can do for your child - teach her how to sleep.

So, here's what I'll tell you.  You'll know when you are ready.  One day, you will likely be at your absolute wits end, you will be so tired you can hardly string together words to make a sentence and you will begin to resent the fact that you don't sleep.  It is in this moment that you will know that you are ready to make this change.

I am not a professional sleep consultant.  But, I am a Mom who taught her baby to sleep and have never looked back.

My Son Refuses to Sleep in His Bed and It's Ok

When we became parents we definitely anticipated having some sleepless nights here and there.  With our first born, CJ, he was about four months old when we transitioned him to the crib from a cradle, we said goodnight and that was that.  Since then, we have had a few minor issues here and there with him, mainly relating to staying in his room and falling asleep in under an hour. 

When our second arrived, we thought she would sleep the same way her brother did.  Perfectly. Because every child is exactly the same, right?! (Can you hear my sarcasm?) Were we naïve?  Yes. She turned out to be exactly the opposite, but we somehow survived (so far), thanks to our in-house sleep expert and my fellow blogger, Sarah.  Its been quite the ride, but I am happy to report that everyone is sleeping through the night...well, most nights.

But, for the last week CJ (who is 3) has been having one specific problem in the sleep department we never anticipated.  He is refusing to sleep in his bed, actually, make that any bed.  Which just to say that doesn't sound so bad, right? 

Well, check out where he is setting up camp:


Why yes, that is a table above his head...

So, obviously there is no harm in sleeping under a table.  What I cannot understand is how is that comfortable.  But, every night for the last week or so we have found him under there after we put him to bed. And in the morning he was happy, well-rested, and insisted it was comfortable for sleeping.  He also insisted he would NOT be sleeping in his bed, but has not been able to provide a reason for this change. 

One week of this and we decided to try to get him back in bed.  We set up a little kiddie play tent on top of his bed thinking it would help him feel enclosed, safe, secure.  Nope!  He does love the tent, however, he has moved it to the floor and set up a nest of sorts inside the tent. 

At this point, we have decided to just go with it.  I am sure eventually he will want back in his bed, right? It's pretty comfy in my opinion but to a three year-old maybe they don't have the same comfort preferences like us adults.

The most ironic part of all of this?  For the last several months, we have battled with him over going to sleep in a more timely (and quiet) manner.  His average is about 45-60 minutes AFTER we leave his room when he finally goes to sleep. And that's after emptying his room of all distractions. 

Since he has relocated his bed, he is falling asleep in about 10 minutes.  Which obviously there is something to say for this small miracle. 

This is a kid who is fiercely independent, who insists on making his own decisions, and does not want to be considered a little kid.  And for some reason, sleeping under a table is helping him to relax and sleep better and longer.  I'll take it! I just hope that eventually he will decide to relocate back to his bed, but in the meantime we are enjoying this easiest of sleep problems.

If it isn't broken, why fix it. Am I right?!

Sleep - Second Only to Food and Water

When AK was born, I had accepted the fact that sleep would be a precious commodity.  I fully expected that I would live the first several months in some variation of deprivation and that I would just learn how to exist on far less than I had grown accustomed to.  Therefore, I wasn't overly surprised when this truth became my reality.

The first three months, I became surprisingly comfortable with being roused by my perfect little girl sleeping in her cradle by the side of my bed.  I even took her out of her swaddle and brought her next door to her own, virtually unused, nursery to nurse so husband could continue his slumber.  Truth be told, I quite enjoyed my special time with her.  Something about it being night, dark and quiet made it so simple.  I relished these times, as tired as I was.

And.  Then.  I went back to work.  Full time.  She was three months old.

Still committed to breastfeeding as long as she wanted (within reason - I wasn't interested in nursing my four-year-old), I began a relationship with my pump and immersed myself back into my high-powered career.  I got myself up every morning, after being woken anywhere from three to six times a night.  I dressed in my best, did my hair and make-up and hauled myself to work.  Only to feel like I had been hit by a freight train - over and over again.  For five excruciatingly long months, this process continued.

I won't lie and say that it took me until she was over eight months old to think about sleep training.  I had thought about it many times.  I had even given it a few half-hearted attempts.  But, and listen to this one - the most important thing about sleep training is that you have to be completely and 100% ready to do it. Finally - she was 8 1/2 months old and I was truly, beyond ready.  I knew that I had to do something or I would cease existing.  Not kidding.

To many parents, the term sleep training can be scary, sad and overwhelming all at the same time.  One of my best friends, with a four-month old, recently said to me when talking about the dreaded sleep training "I am preparing myself for blood-curdling screams."  This broke my heart.

Back up to a week before sleep training was going to begin. I had read five books and didn't like any of them.  Anything from rapid extinction, which is the infamous "Cry it Out" method to Ferber's controversial methods also involving crying.  I just felt that none of these were exactly what I needed.  I must note that, for many many many parents, these methods work perfectly and beautifully.  They are just not what I chose to do.

I finally found a book that sounded like it would work for me.  It is called The Sleep Easy Solution: An Exhausted Parent's Guide to Getting your Child to Sleep and, after about two chapters in, I knew it was for me. What I had was a baby that loved to eat during the night.  She went down just fine, she just couldn't stay asleep because she was awoken by her belly - or so she thought.  After reading it cover to cover and being fully committed, I launched into action.  I set up my "Sleep Station" so I could track her wakings and get a step ahead of her by waking her to eat.  I then wrote my feeding plan.  In essence, it planned to decrease the length of her feedings each night until she flawlessly and seamlessly kept sleeping.

Was I a bit unsure of this program?  Of course I was.  But, I needed something and this just felt like the right thing.  I do not lie when I say that my child, who was waking several times each night, became a perfect sleeper - in just one week.  With so few, if any tears that I honestly cannot remember anything other than a new-found blissful slumber.

Fast forward - 8 months later.  She is now 16 months old.  She goes to bed around 7pm and sleeps until 7am.  She sleeps soundly for 12 hours a night.  The only exception to this is if she is sick - then any "rules" go out the window and I tend to my girl however and as often as she needs.  When she's back on her feet again - it's just like riding a bike and she's right back at her 12 hours.

In these 8 months, I have worked with three other parents to successfully and relatively painlessly sleep train their little ones.  (One parent is T.  You can ask her personally how well we did together!)  And, the kicker? No three kids are the same.  EM was all about her Momma - all the time and refused to sleep out of her Momma's presence.  EJ is a 19 month-old who had become accustomed to escaping the crib and getting in bed with Mom and Dad.  WC is a 6 month-old who loved nursing so much, he would have rather nursed than slept.

I am not a professional sleep consultant.  And, I give credit where credit is due:  first and foremost to these parents and secondly to this program.  I did not quote this program word for word and I did not suggest it exactly as written to each parent.  After all, every child is different and a plan must be designed for that individual child.  But.  There is proof in the proverbial pudding and I feel a connection with helping others achieve something that is integral to surviving, integral to growing as a parent and integral to raising a healthy child:  SLEEP!

Sleep = Sanity

I “trained” AK to sleep when she was 8 ½ months old.  I consider it one of the best things I have done thus far as a mom.  AK needs sleep more than she knows and I KNOW how much I need sleep.  Before child, I required 8 hours a night or I reared more than just my ugly head.  When she was a newborn, I somehow existed on so little sleep that I still wonder how I functioned – must have been all those hormones coursing through my body.

When she hit 8 ½ months, I realized I was no longer a human and instead a much whispier version of myself.  I knew I had no choice – it was sleep train or stop existing.  (Way more on this topic to come. Through way of this training, I have realized what may be my “calling.”)  Bottom line: she has been sleeping like that proverbial, and I guess, real baby that she is.
 

February has been a rough month for us – as far as illnesses go.  We’ve (and by we’ve, I really mean my poor, sweet AK) battled pneumonia, the flu, two double ear infections and a bout of RSV.  Life has been dandy.  I remain thankful that I have an employer who is understanding and co-workers who are flexible and kind. 

Through all of these illnesses, sleep has suffered.  And, consequently, we all have suffered.  I shuffle through many of my days with my eyelids barely doing their jobs, and putting one foot in front of the other takes every bit of strength I can muster.  Last night, for example, after a breathing treatment designed to stop this constant hacking cough, AK was wired.  Her body, because of the drugs, was telling her that it was time to play and play like a groupie at a rock concert. (I hate drugs, but that’s another story for another day.)
 

Of course, she didn’t stay awake in the mosh pit by herself.  Enter husband and me.  Taking turns attempting to rock a baby who wants nothing to do with being still, singing gentle humming songs while she would rather be dancing and attempting to keep our eyes open – For. Three. Hours.

Here’s what I learned from last night:
1.  I am thankful for husband who willingly took up half the slack of this adventure.
2.  The doctor and I need to have a very serious chat about this medicine.
3.  Holy buckets, I love my sleep.

Sweet AK not feeling her best.