Mind The (Age) Gap

By Guest Blogger, Cara Dyksen

My two boys are 8 ½ years apart.  Dubs is 9 and G-monkey is a couple weeks shy of his 1^st birthday (*sniff*).  I could write a book about what I’ve learned over the past nine years parenting one, and now two kids - especially boys, but for now a blog post will have to do. 

It's just the way life worked out. This age gap of ours. Ultimately, I know everything happens just the way it should, so I have no regrets.

With that, I have to admit that I have struggled immensely, and still do occasionally, with the balancing act two kids require.  And, two kids with such drastically different needs. A lot happens in over eight years when it comes to child development, right? They are on completely different playing fields. G-monkey prefers "playing" with my kitchen whisk while Dubs would prefer the basketball court or football field.

Often times, like any other mom can probably relate, I am knee deep with the baby and have to beg ask Dubs to carry some weight for me. (And, sometimes that's literal - my (almost) one-year-old is not dainty  at 27 pounds).

I was always so adamant that I would NEVER have/allow Dubs become a helper or a babysitter – he is the brother.  But, now I realize how wrong I was. It's almost impossible not to rely on these perfectly good hands every now and again.

Here's where I make up for turning my oldest into my biggest help: He's the best kid on earth. I can’t really gush about him enough – he is truly one of the sweetest and smartest people I know.  He helps with G-monkey because he wants to, not because he has to.  

He loves us both so much and still shows it!  (Eventually, "they" tell me he might not want to be seen in public with me, but until then, I'll plant kisses on him all day long!)

I also struggled with a deep sense of guilt that my love & attention would now have to be split between two (three, if we're counting the hubs) people.  It seems only natural to me that, after 8 years of being an only child, there might be some animosity when another one joins the (tiny) crew.  But not my Dubs - he was, and remains, ecstatically thrilled!  

I have often found myself downplaying my excitement about the baby in front of Dubs so he wouldn’t get jealous, but that would backfire on me.  This loving brother wouldn’t stop enthusiastically talking about his new little bro and making sure that I was equally as excited.

Of course now as we approach the one year mark as a family of four, I can’t imagine life any other way.  I’m not only thankful for my extra set of (willing and) helping hands, but also the crazy chaos, belly laughs, vicious messes and love that runs even deeper than I ever imagined.

Forever Monkeying Around

The Decision to be "One And Done"

Seriously.  We are only having one.

Are you still reading?

There are some 14 million only-children in the US, representing about 20% of all kids.   This statistic has grown dramatically in the past fifty years or so, when only-children were thought of to be spoiled, lonely and entitled.

I was an only child.  Kind of.  Is that like being kind of pregnant - impossible?  Nope.  My parents added another one to our family when I was almost nine.  They even tell me that was a deliberate decision although I struggle believing them - even today.  Although I love the heck out of her now, I spent from about age nine to eighteen wishing I could have continued with my true only-ness.

And because we are so far apart in age, both of us had a bit of an only-child experience.

Husband and I agreed, before we even decided to slightly expand our family that this one would be it.  Why, you ask?

First, we live a very active lifestyle in that we camp, backpack, hike, ski and do all those kinds of things that happen to you when you choose to live in Colorado.  Doing those things with one is, I only assume, a bit easier.

Second, husband is just a touch older than me.  I adore him to the core so I don't need to give away his secrets, but let's just say he made out like that proverbial bandit.  Younger, hot wife.  I am puffing out my chest as I write this.

And, lastly, that's all we wanted.  Period.  Having one allows us to focus all of our attentions on helping this one little person grow into the absolute best version of herself.  But, before you launch into all the reasons why more than one is even better, allow me to let you know that I get it.  Those that choose to have more than one are amazing and special  parents - hell, just one is tons of work - I don't know how you do it with two, three, four or eight!

There is a stigma attached to being an only.  I mentioned it above and I want to avoid it like the plague.  I truly believe that we can raise a well-adjusted, confident and joyful child even though she is our only.  But, I also believe we are going to have to work at it:

1.  Keeping her socialized.  You may know by now, I am a huge daycare advocate for this reason alone, but for many others.  Here, she is learning how to interact with not only other children, but adults as well.  She learns to take instruction from other people while being a good (or not so good, depending on the day) example for the other kids.

2.  Encouraging her independence.  Earlier this year, I was meeting professionally with another mom and brought Baba with me.  She was just learning to walk and was exploring the space. After I made sure she was safe, I would look at her every now and again, but I didn't hover and I just let her be independent.  The other mother, who didn't know me well said, "she must have older siblings."  When I asked why she would say that, she mentioned that I was very relaxed in letting her be her own person without being afraid of what might happen.

3.  Setting boundaries.  Fact of the matter:  she is the kid, we are the parents.  Especially as she gets older, I will have to remind myself that I am her Mom, not her friend.  She needs me to be her Mom - there will be plenty of time when she's much older (like, gasp, 30) that we can be friends.

4.  Refraining from spoiling.  She's two, so we're practicing this one now.  You may judge me even more when I tell you that we're not getting her anything for Christmas this year. Terrible? Not for her. She has a playroom filled to the brim with things that make her happy and keep her busy. And, knowing some of the generous people in our lives, I have a feeling she may have a thing or two (or ten, if you know my Mom) to open on Christmas morning. To us, that's enough. We are starting our focus on what Christmas is really about.

5.  Helping to build a strong relationship with Daddy. This one has recently gotten so fun to watch.  Case in point: I am making dinner two nights ago. Baba comes and grabs my hand to show me that she and Daddy had prepared an entire Playdough "meal" complete with peas, mac-n-cheese, spaghetti and meatballs and pizza. He had hand-made every little piece. I melted.

6.  Inviting friends.  At her current age, I could just as soon pack her up and go it alone, but it's much more fun - for both of us - to experience our fun with other people.  I take every opportunity to socialize her with other children - even though she is in preschool full time.  It's never too early for her to learn what friendships are all about. She's social, by nature, so we need to cultivate that.  As she grows, we are fully aware that some of our excursions may feel like we actually had more than one child.  But, the best part?  We get to give one back at the end.

The company we keep: it's about the quality, not the quantity. Right?!