It Must Be Nice To Be My Husband

I have now been doing this whole SAHM/WAHM thing for 10 months.  That is nearly an entire year.  Sometimes it feels like I have been at this new routine for YEARS and then other times it feels totally brand new. 

I have learned so much during this time - about myself, my kids, my goals in parenting and in life.  And while this has all been fine and dandy, there is one thing that I now know FOR CERTAIN.

It's the most wonderful time of the day! (For Mommy too...)

It must be nice to be my husband. 

Yes, he works at an often stressful job with unpredictable and sometimes long hours.  His job frequently invades our nights and weekends.  The stress of it can feel like another appendage at times. I get it. 

But, now that I am home and not scurrying off to a full-time job with a long commute every day, his responsibilities at home have been FAR reduced.  I don't want to specify how reduced because he will read this and I know that he will disagree with me; however, let's just say the last time the man located a cleaning product he was aged in a different decade.

Now, I don't want to sound like Husband does nothing.  He definitely pulls his weight around our house and is most nights in charge of bath and bedtime, giving me a much-needed reprieve...so I can write humorous blog posts about our life.  Ahem.

BUT, and this is a significant BUT.  From my viewpoint, he gets off pretty easy in the whole scheme of things.  He gets to shower and leave the house 5 days a week ALONE.  He doesn't have to wrangle two kids to get dressed and brush their teeth, now please, so we can get out the door on time for school. 

I seriously find myself pondering what life would be like if I could shower in the morning and subsequently leave the house by myself with an entire commute to do, well, absolutely nothing but drive, listen to music and chew gum.

When Husband returns home, the house has been cleaned, dishes and clothes washed and put away, dog walked, dinner (usually) prepared and ready to eat.  Groceries have been purchased, children picked up and dropped off from school, and all the other items that used to fill our weekends are now complete. 

But, this is my job now.  A job I didn't necessarily sign-up for, but, shockingly, one I really wouldn't trade for the world (right now at least). 

And while Husband certainly misses out on all the grunt work and gets to walk in the door to a chorus of screams from two children who act like they haven't seem him in months, I know that I am the real winner. 

(See Husband, and you thought I was going to spend an entire post whining.)

While I may not always look pretty or even get a shower every day, I get to spend every day with the two of the three most special people ever.  And for that I will suck it up and clean the high chair tray, again.

Cupcakes and Marriage (Huh?!)

Marriage. I wouldn't want to do this kids thing without the support, love and dedication of husband. He's pretty much the best Daddy ever. He loves our kids like they are his world every single day. He works hard to support our family. And, generally speaking, he's a really good partner. I understand that many people do have to go this alone. So, I remain thankful for having that partnership. But. Having kids sure can do a number on a marriage. Huh?

Let's face it - men, as a whole, like the attention of their beautiful wives. And, I don't blame them. They feel important, needed and even studly. After kids, that attention shifts so greatly that they are left wondering where that person who thought they were the greatest went. And, this is only the beginning, really.

Stressors like money, time, work and the likes of these seem to place burden on what was once a bit more blissful.  Maybe a little naive too.  Challenges should be an expected part of life as much as I hate to admit it.  And, the reality is that we all go through tough times, even if we don't always like to admit it out loud. And my family hasn't been immune to the realities of life.  There, I said it.

Thing is - I know we'll get through it. I want to spend my life with no other husband.

A wise friend, who will go unnamed due to the credit going to her head, suggested that, perhaps a really little thing will make husband feel more loved and, in turn, create a sense of peace that we may be in need of. What is this little thing, you ask?  A cupcake of course.

I was going to get myself a cupcake. Don't judge - I had experienced one of "those" days. Nothing a perfectly sweet and delicious cupcake wouldn't solve. So, this friend suggested that I get one for husband. I knew there could be no harm in this simple gesture, so I listened to her. And, am I glad I did.

The cupcake sat in the fridge for the first 24 hours.  I casually mentioned to him that this glorious cupcake was for him to enjoy. He seemed rather un-phased.  I was, at first, slightly discouraged, but whatever, it was just a cupcake. I let it go.

The next day, I received a text to the likes of  "Wow. Thank you for getting me this cupcake. It was delicious and I really appreciate you thinking of me." From that point forward, something was re-ignited. Perhaps I really had not been paying husband the attention he craved, desired and deserved. And, this simple little gesture opened his eyes to how important he is in my world despite what challenge or frustrations we may be facing. We all have bad days, right? What a simple little thing that really can brighten an otherwise not-so-great day.

Life isn't perfect. Marriage is far from perfect. But, I gotta love when something so simple makes such a big difference.

A Whole Weekend Away - WHAT?!?!

It's true. I believe that a healthy marriage fosters healthy partners, healthy kids and a healthy family. And, in my mind, one of the greatest things we can do in a marriage is take time with and for each other. For us, this means more than just date nights, although those are awesome. It also means a night or two away. That's right.

Vacations are wonderful. And, husband and I have had exactly one vacation together since AK was born. To be honest, it was a really tough five days and my enjoyment was diminished by how long it felt I was away and how much I missed her.

So, this past weekend, husband and I took two days and got away - leaving AK with her Grandma, who she lovingly calls "Maj." Maj ain't no ordinary Grandma, let's get that straight right away. Maj is fun, laughs, activities and happiness all rolled into one small little woman. Maj makes AK barely notice that her parents are gone. So, for all of us, two days is perfect.

We didn't go far - less than two hours away. But, I worried not one bit about AK - she was healthy and, based on the abundance of photos I got from Maj, she was beyond happy.

This allowed husband and I to have time...together. Just the two of us. It was delightful.

I slept in later than I have since college. Obviously, my body needed it and is thanking me now. I got a pedicure (Husband was with me, too. Don't tell him I told you). We had a wonderful lunch out. It didn't involve sippy cups, food on the floor or attempting to wrangle a toddler. And, we went to see a concert. Just the two of us.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - husband and I are amazing partners in parenting and in life. Sure, he's not perfect and sure, sometimes I'd like to hang him by his feet from the ceiling, but at the end of the day, there's no better person for me to partner with in this thing called life.

We're lucky and blessed that we have the support to take time away. We decided, this past weekend, that we are going to shoot for this same hiatus every couple of months. When should we tell Maj?!

Nurturing Marriage After Kids

I belong to an online forum of Moms with kids all around the same age. I love this group even though the vast majority of us wouldn't know each other from Adam if we tripped across each other. We've never met in person, but we share some of our deepest, darkest thoughts, concerns, as well as unfiltered joys. We support each other as we all are going through many of the same things with our little ones.

A post from one of my Mom friends caught my eye today. She was honestly mentioning that she would get annoyed when her husband would gently come on to her during the day when she was focused on being a Mom. I so appreciated her honesty. Her post was met with a slew of opinions from "OMG - that drives me crazy, too" to "You'll be even more distraught when he stops showing he's interested in you" to "Be happy that he finds you attractive." This got me thinking.

Before we had AK, husband was my world. My focus revolved around him - in the most healthy way possible. We did everything together and for the most part, it was just the two of us. We were (and are, don't worry) blissfully happy. The energy that I had, which now seems like it was enough to send me to the moon sans rocketship, was spent on nurturing our marriage. It wasn't this sappy intentional love fest, but it was the way our world naturally worked.

Virtually every night was date night.



Before I was Mommy, I was all his

If I found someone "cute," it was him. Now, my cuteness radar seems to be focused on AK. And, when I found him cute, I told him. I shamefully tell you that these days, sometimes that appears to take too much energy. Or, the thought leaves as quickly as it entered while tending to something baby related.

When I saw something in a store that made me think of him, I got it for him. Our lives were filled with little surprises for each other. Today, my eye was caught only by the world's largest selection of Melissa and Doug puzzles. I don't think he will enjoy putting the blue triangle into its slot as much as AK will.

Husband is my partner in this parenthood thing. I adored him before I adored our little girl. She is half him, for heaven's sake. Just thinking about this fact makes me wildly appreciative and thankful for having such a wonderful partner. I would have it no other way.



Discussing their favorite flavor of Puff?

My husband - and many others that I know of - are not complex beings. He seems to beam for hours if I mention how handsome he is, how proud I am of him or how thankful I am for what he does for our family. It doesn't take much. And, one of the keys that I have to remember is that he feels love differently than I do.

I like little things. Cards, a single flower or a healthy snack. (Who am I kidding? A chocolate chip cookie, please) That doesn't necessarily do it for him, although I know he appreciates it. He likes being noticed by me. Damn. He's simple. In my world of constant activity, attention is one thing I can handle, and handle well.

So. Today, as much as I will focus on AK, I will remember that husband was husband before he was Daddy. He needs love, affection and attention too. And, he deserves it.

The Decision to be "One And Done"

Seriously.  We are only having one.

Are you still reading?

There are some 14 million only-children in the US, representing about 20% of all kids.   This statistic has grown dramatically in the past fifty years or so, when only-children were thought of to be spoiled, lonely and entitled.

I was an only child.  Kind of.  Is that like being kind of pregnant - impossible?  Nope.  My parents added another one to our family when I was almost nine.  They even tell me that was a deliberate decision although I struggle believing them - even today.  Although I love the heck out of her now, I spent from about age nine to eighteen wishing I could have continued with my true only-ness.

And because we are so far apart in age, both of us had a bit of an only-child experience.

Husband and I agreed, before we even decided to slightly expand our family that this one would be it.  Why, you ask?

First, we live a very active lifestyle in that we camp, backpack, hike, ski and do all those kinds of things that happen to you when you choose to live in Colorado.  Doing those things with one is, I only assume, a bit easier.

Second, husband is just a touch older than me.  I adore him to the core so I don't need to give away his secrets, but let's just say he made out like that proverbial bandit.  Younger, hot wife.  I am puffing out my chest as I write this.

And, lastly, that's all we wanted.  Period.  Having one allows us to focus all of our attentions on helping this one little person grow into the absolute best version of herself.  But, before you launch into all the reasons why more than one is even better, allow me to let you know that I get it.  Those that choose to have more than one are amazing and special  parents - hell, just one is tons of work - I don't know how you do it with two, three, four or eight!

There is a stigma attached to being an only.  I mentioned it above and I want to avoid it like the plague.  I truly believe that we can raise a well-adjusted, confident and joyful child even though she is our only.  But, I also believe we are going to have to work at it:

1.  Keeping her socialized.  You may know by now, I am a huge daycare advocate for this reason alone, but for many others.  Here, she is learning how to interact with not only other children, but adults as well.  She learns to take instruction from other people while being a good (or not so good, depending on the day) example for the other kids.

2.  Encouraging her independence.  Earlier this year, I was meeting professionally with another mom and brought Baba with me.  She was just learning to walk and was exploring the space. After I made sure she was safe, I would look at her every now and again, but I didn't hover and I just let her be independent.  The other mother, who didn't know me well said, "she must have older siblings."  When I asked why she would say that, she mentioned that I was very relaxed in letting her be her own person without being afraid of what might happen.

3.  Setting boundaries.  Fact of the matter:  she is the kid, we are the parents.  Especially as she gets older, I will have to remind myself that I am her Mom, not her friend.  She needs me to be her Mom - there will be plenty of time when she's much older (like, gasp, 30) that we can be friends.

4.  Refraining from spoiling.  She's two, so we're practicing this one now.  You may judge me even more when I tell you that we're not getting her anything for Christmas this year. Terrible? Not for her. She has a playroom filled to the brim with things that make her happy and keep her busy. And, knowing some of the generous people in our lives, I have a feeling she may have a thing or two (or ten, if you know my Mom) to open on Christmas morning. To us, that's enough. We are starting our focus on what Christmas is really about.

5.  Helping to build a strong relationship with Daddy. This one has recently gotten so fun to watch.  Case in point: I am making dinner two nights ago. Baba comes and grabs my hand to show me that she and Daddy had prepared an entire Playdough "meal" complete with peas, mac-n-cheese, spaghetti and meatballs and pizza. He had hand-made every little piece. I melted.

6.  Inviting friends.  At her current age, I could just as soon pack her up and go it alone, but it's much more fun - for both of us - to experience our fun with other people.  I take every opportunity to socialize her with other children - even though she is in preschool full time.  It's never too early for her to learn what friendships are all about. She's social, by nature, so we need to cultivate that.  As she grows, we are fully aware that some of our excursions may feel like we actually had more than one child.  But, the best part?  We get to give one back at the end.

The company we keep: it's about the quality, not the quantity. Right?!

I Read a Book! And, Thankfully, it wasn't a Board Book.

Actually, make that two books. That’s more books than I read in 2013 altogether. 

The husband and I just returned from one week of vacation – away from the kids, work, trying to find work, and all that lies in between.  Before you come to any conclusions on our escape, please understand a few things.  This was our first time away from both kids, by ourselves and together, for even one night, let alone seven.  We do not live near any family so this is definitely a privilege and also an event that likely will not soon be repeated. 

We definitely enjoyed our time away from playing cook, cleaner, laundress, butt wiper, errand runner, employee…and enjoyed all of the adult activities we rarely have the time for.  You know, drinking coffee while it’s hot, eating your meal while it’s hot, enjoying too many adult beverages, lounging by the pool instead of entertaining (read: chasing) children.  (If you were thinking of other adult activities, shame on you, this is a family blog!)  Let’s just say: it was a glorious time.  

Can't you just feel the relaxation?

Time away from the kids in any amount is something to be appreciated, valued, and most importantly, a routine occurrence.  As a parent, it is so easy to lose focus on who you really are, what you want in life, your goals, ambitions, etc.  I have found this to be especially true once we added the second child to our family– this has brought a whole new meaning to the word “busy” or even “crazy.”  And, if I am being honest, I do feel I have lost touch with much of who I was (pre-kids) during the past few years.  However, I also am totally aware that this time is temporary and I will one day again, soon-ish, have more time for myself and we will have more time my adult relationships. 

I realize none of what I am saying is new information, but, what is new is for me to recognize these feelings and to finally understand what parents of older children have been saying all along.  You just don’t really get it until you are IN it. 

So.  While I would love to be able to say: we will take more vacations alone! We will go on date nights every week! We will take time for ourselves every day!  I also know that trying to achieve these lofty ambitions would be setting us up to fail.  It’s just not currently realistic on a daily basis and I don’t want the disappointment when we fail the first week in. 

BUT, and there is a but here, I have now truly realized and internalized how valuable time away from the kids is.  And not the time away you experience on a dinner and a movie date-night.  With that scenario, you barely have time to decompress; in addition, the prep-work needed to prepare the babysitter for an evening is sometimes more stress than its worth (in my experience). 

Time away, like far away, is valuable in many other ways, especially for Type-A personalities like myself.  I can truly unplug, detach, and not worry because I have no other choice due to distance, lack of cell service and remoteness. And then guess what happens: I can finally relax, enjoy our time together, and continue to build a more solid foundation for our family to grow upon.  One that will hopefully get us through all that life throws at us until our next escape.  Speaking of which, I'm sure there's something I must be doing right now...