Thursday, July 24, 2014

10 Fun Facts No One Tells You About Childbirth

So.  Here you have it.  Ten things your mother never told you about giving birth. You're welcome.

10.  It's not all that much fun, even though the outcome is well worth it.
Squeezing a human from your body is painful, exhausting and messy.  In my book, that doesn't equal fun. Sure, it was exciting to anticipate seeing her for the first time, but it wasn't as enjoyable as say, getting my teeth cleaned.

9.  It often doesn't happen just the way you planned it. (And, sometimes it does).
It's a tough one - planning. You know what they say about the best laid plans. Here's the thing:  sometimes it goes according to plan. Sometimes it doesn't. As much as I respect birth stories and planning for what we want to happen, we have no idea of knowing if it actually will. Moral of the story: stay open-minded with the goal of getting a healthy baby out of your body.

8.  You probably don't want your mother, your father, your husband's mother and father, your three sisters, his two brothers and your cousin at the hospital with you. Even if you think you do.
I have a friend who planned to have her parents and her in-laws in the birthing room. About mid-way through the contractions intensifying, she screamed blasphemy at everyone and sent them merrily on their way. You may not want everyone up in your business.

7. You might say mean things. To anyone.
At one point, about two and a half hours into pushing for my life, husband was holding a towel on my head, but was pushing my head back in the process. I wanted to be able to push my head forward, but his strength kept me from doing it. I lost my stuff and screamed at him. Something about how much I hated him. Sorry, dude.

6.  The physical effects on your body last far longer than the trip home from the hospital.
Huge breasts, a sore tummy and nether regions - it doesn't go away as soon as the baby pops out.

5. You look like crap for a long time afterward. A long time.
This one shocked me. It was months before I looked like myself again. I gained 8 pounds during my pregnancy (don't envy me - I threw up every ounce of anything that wasn't baby) and I looked more bloated and heavy afterward than I even did during the pregnancy. Throw in a surprise C-Section and I was a looker, for sure. Everyone begged for pictures of me with AK. Sorry, not gonna happen.

4. It doesn't look like it does in the movies.
So. In Hollywood, there's lots of screaming, the baby is born and then suddenly mom and dad are home with the baby and life is perfect, right? Nope. First of all, an epidural, heavenly as it is, eliminates most of that dreadful screaming. And, many mothers who go natural will admit that there is very little screaming and mostly grunting. Besides, what Hollywood starlet is going to naturally give birth?! Come on, now.

3.  Your boobs become giant water balloons.
Giant. Huge. Painful. Hard as rocks. Why is this never talked about? It was, undoubtedly, the biggest surprise of all.

2.  If you like sushi, you most likely will want sushi the minute your child is born. The rawer, the better.
Plan on it. I sent husband for sushi as soon as I was out of the recovery room. I might have screamed some obscenities at him, but then I realized he just wanted to soak up the little miracle his wife just produced. So, I cut him some slack. But, that sushi was melt-in-my-mouth divine.

1. Even after all of this, if you want to, you'll do it all over again. And, again.
We made our decision to only have one. But, if we wanted more, I would do it again tomorrow. OK, maybe not tomorrow, but definitely next week. Because the joy we get from watching our bodies do the most magical thing imaginable is astounding. And, the end result is pretty phenomenal, if we do say so.


  1. Aww you had me at sushi....I had planned ahead of time to have someone bring me sushi after delivery. I am for sure going to follow your blog now! So relateable (is that a word???)

    1. Ah yes, I think I would have been fine if it swam into my mouth, I craved that delicious raw fish so much during my pregnancy! And, absolutely, relateable is a word (at least in my book - it's still showing up with the squiggly red line under it, but no matter!)